


uncomfortable

by grizzlysnare



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23181406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grizzlysnare/pseuds/grizzlysnare
Summary: this was originally just a one shot, but i decided to make this the place where i dump all my ideas - most of these will be loosely based on the modern au fic i have going on this acc. a lot of these will focus around dysphoria as anne being somewhere under the trans umbrella is not something i see like.. at all in this fandom.specifically, in these, anne is a non binary lesbian.
Relationships: Anne Lister (1791-1840)/Ann Walker (1803-1854)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	1. why did she call you that?

**Author's Note:**

> oh hi there! i know i have another fic i need to actually work on but hey, i'm quarantined for two weeks so i'll have plenty of time! (as if i'm not just using the time to sleep). anyway.. as an enby butch, i really wanted to write this fic. for multiple reasons, but one is that in a modern au, i think anne would be able to find the words for exactly how she felt, and ann would be there with her during the journey. also because i wanted to test out just.. a) writing gentleman jack and b) writing for a modern au. 
> 
> (yes, anne and mariana are exes)
> 
> anyways.. enjoy

“Why did she call you Fred?”

Ann's question was sudden. Straight to the point. Usually that was what Anne preferred from any other person talking to her, but from her usually meek partner, it was thoroughly jarring. She knew exactly who Ann was asking about, though the relationship with Mariana was over, it didn’t mean she disappeared from Anne’s life.

Things still needed to be sorted and put in and out of place. They’d had a rather tense phone call the night before, discussing who Argus really belonged to. Ann must have overheard the nickname, although, upon further thought, it was more than that.

“Hmm? Oh. Is it really that important?”

Anne didn’t mean to sound patronising or dismissive, she just wasn’t expecting that to be the first thing out of Ann’s mouth when they’d just begun to build up to their usual nightly activities in bed.

The silence she received in return told her that, yes, it really _was_ that important.

“Well. That is... a question. Hm.” 

She rolled onto her back, moving her arm away from Ann’s waist, who in turn rolled over to face her better. Anne wasn’t entirely sure of the answer herself. The name had always just seemed familiar in an odd sense. Like it wasn’t quite her, but also more herself than she’d ever felt. The masculinity of the name made her feel more at ease with certain aspects of her body.

“Does it make you more comfortable? In yourself, I mean. In a general sense.”

Anne moved her head to the side, facing the smaller woman and sighing, raising her eyebrows and looking away again. She wasn’t uncomfortable admitting that, per se, just it felt very awkward to actually speak out loud.

“I suppose, yes. It makes me feel less like...” She stumbled over her words, shocking herself – then resorted to just gesturing at her body, hoping that Ann would get it without having to explain further.

“Like a woman?”

“Ah. No- well, not quite. Probably not in the sense that you’d think,”

“In what sense, then?”

Even with all her years as an active member of the LGBT community, Anne could never find the _right_ word to describe what she felt about herself. From a young age, she’d resolved to just ignore it, as the thought of acknowledging those complex feelings would mean she’d have to re-examine her whole presentation and identity.

“D'you feel like you’re not completely, I don’t know, binary?”

“I suppose I don’t. But I tend not to dwell on things as insignificant as my own body. Don’t worry yourself about it, Ann,”

“I’m not worrying, I just want to make sure you’re comfortable,” Ann replied – Anne could tell that she was chewing the inside of her lip, a habit she’d been trying to kick for a while. She felt cruel denying the girl of some kind of answer, so she relented.

"I’ve never felt _entirely_ comfortable in my body, Ann. I know that, really, ‘male’ or ‘female' bodies don’t exist, but I’ve always felt uncomfortable in mine. I don’t want to be a man, though,” She added, hurriedly, “I still completely see myself as a lesbian. But perhaps not so much of a binary, female one.” Shrugging, she supposed that was as coherent as her explanation was going to get.

There was a pause from Ann. 

“That makes sense. At least to me, it does...”

Another pause.

“Do you want me to call you Fred-?”

“Lord, no! Too many memories come with that name. None of them good. Anne is fine for now, love.”

After a little bit of playful bickering, the two settled down. Anne felt something of a weight lift from her in that instant, she was glad she could tell someone. She figured she’d have to confront those feelings st some point.

_Who better to do it alongside with than Ann?_


	2. tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anne doesn't know how to cope with both ann's pregnancy and her own feelings about her body. this is very short but the idea just would not go away and i had to write it so it wouldn't haunt me anymore.

Anne cried for longer than Ann had ever witnessed. The sound tore her to shreds; threatened to eat her from the inside out. She was powerless to do anything but hold the usually stood woman tight in the half-darkness. Nothing she could say would make it better, she knew that. It was completely out of her hands and largely out of Anne’s, too. When the baby kicked and Anne _wailed_ in response, Ann’s heart cracked, then shattered.

“It’s okay, Pony, you’ll be okay.” Ann ignored all the snot and the tears as she ran a hand over her wife’s cheek. “You always pull through. It’s okay to cry.”

Although Anne had never explicitly told her what had been the matter lately, she could take a good guess just from the way she’d been acting the past eight months or so. It started with her absolute insistence on only using a strap-on during sex after Ann's pregnancy test finally came up positive. Then it became only having sex in the dark, then, finally, not having sex at all (which was partially due to Ann’s own fears about the baby).

“I’m _suh-sorry_ , sorry that I’ll never be able to... to actually make a baby with you,” Anne sobbed, her next breath of air rattling in her throat as she gripped onto Ann’s oversized sleep tee. 

“Oh, _Anne_ ,” her own voice cracked, “that doesn’t bother me, you _know_ I love you just as you are. I always will. You didn’t choose to be born in the body you have. It’s not your fault.” 

She hated knowing how much Anne was in pain, she hated that no matter how hard she tried, she would never fully understand it. Ann had never felt like an imposter in her own body. Sure, she’d felt insecure at times as a teenager, but that wasn’t the same. When Anne first told her about these feelings, she had thought it was similar, but after watching this whole downward spiral, she knew better. 

It was a while before the two of them fell asleep once more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on the subject of pregnancy, have any of you watched the nest??


End file.
